


Who Is Really Teaching Who?

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Confusion, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Loss, M/M, Smut, Starting Over
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 21:12:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7454128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sure, Cas has lost his grace before, but this time there is no going back. He will never be an angel again. How can Dean help him learn how to be human when he doesn't always know himself?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who Is Really Teaching Who?

He was only 27 years old when he held his little brother's limp body in his arms, when he laid him out on a bed just hoping that somehow he would start breathing again. He was only 27 years old when he gave up hope and traded his soul so that his little brother could take another breath. He was only 28 years old when his time was up and the hell hounds came for him. He was only 28 years old when he miraculously dug himself out of an earthen grave four months after he'd been dragged to hell. 

The large scar on his shoulder in the shape of a hand would eventually fade, the memories never would. 

Sometimes he would look at Cas's hand, and marvel at how normal it was, how human it was. He would wonder how that hand had left such a deep and heavy scar on his flesh. Then he would look at Cas and try to remember all of the things that had brought them to where they were today. The battles, the blood, the tricks, the lies. The angel Castiel hadn't retrieved Dean Winchester from hell with any honorable purpose. Castiel had retrieved Dean Winchester from hell because of an agenda, to fulfill a prophecy. Nobody ever expected their lives to intersect in the way that they had.

Castiel was an angel of the lord, Dean was a hunter of all things supernatural yet somehow they had formed a bond that was inexplicable. 

\-------------------------

"Hey, have you talked to Cas lately?"

Dean didn't know how many times Sam had asked him that over the years. "No, I haven't talked to Cas lately. Why?"

"I was hoping that he could help me with some translation."

Sam had spent four years at Stanford. When he wasn't hunting, he was translating ancient text or working his way through the expansive library at the bunker that they'd stumbled across. The place that the Winchester brothers called home. 

"Why don't you try getting a hold of him and asking? I'm not his secretary."

"Because we both know that all you have to do is basically say his name out loud and he'll show up."

"Cas, Sam needs help with nerdy shit." Dean called. "Okay, are you happy now?"

Sam just rolled his eyes and turned back to his books. He didn't hear the fluttering, he just heard the voice. "You needed something, Sam?"

"Uh, yeah, hey Cas. I was just working on this translation and it looks enochian."

Cas leaned over Sam's shoulder, "I've seen this before. It's a story that Michael wrote, but it's not very good. Do you still want it translated?"

"Well, I'm trying to build this database and I figure that since enochian is the language of angels it might be important to..."

"Hey Cas!" Dean interrupted.

Sam just sighed when he felt Cas stand up and start to walk away. Now that Dean had drawn Cas's attention, he knew that he wouldn't be getting help with his translation. Cas was blind when it came to anything other than Dean. He might as well just try to memorize enochian.

"No, no, no...I'm just grabbing a beer and then heading to my room to watch the football game. Live streaming is a beautiful thing. Help Sam with whatever he's geeking out on, come find me when you're done." Dean shot Cas a grin and walked down the hallway.

Cas sat down across from Sam and pulled the book across the table, "Michael is telling the story of...wait, do you want it verbatim?"

"If you wouldn't mind. I need it word for word." 

Sam typed while Cas talked, figuratively rolling his eyes the entire time. Cas didn't even understand football, but Dean still had to tell him to help Sam before they could spend time together. Sam always figured that their bond had something to do with Cas pulling Dean from the pit. Nothing else made sense. Dean's personality ranged from pubescent teenager to 9 year old hopped up on Mtn. Dew and candy. Sam couldn't figure out why Cas was so attached. For awhile he had thought that Cas was in love with Dean, a lot of people thought that Cas was in love with Dean. But Sam knew that as an angel, he didn't understand romantic feelings. He just liked spending time with Dean. He finally finished typing, Cas was right, it wasn't a very good story but it was the word of an archangel. "Thanks Cas, I appreciate the help." 

"You're welcome." Cas said, as he stood up and walked down the hall in search of Dean.

"I'm guessing you're an angel in a trenchcoat and not the hot blonde with big boobs that I ordered," Dean said when Cas knocked on his door.

"Angel in a trenchcoat."

"Damn! You might as well come in anyway." Dean laughed. He scooted over and made room on his bed for Cas to sit down. He knew that he was going to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to explain football to him...just like he did every season. 

\-------------------------

Dean was getting ready to work on his car, his baby, his '67 Chevy Impala. He and Sam had practically grown up in that car and their father had handed over the keys when Dean turned 25. She belonged to him. He knew that it was time for an oil change, maybe even a full tune up. Dean prided himself on two things, hunting and cars. With a tool box in one hand and and a beer cooler in the other he managed to get the bunker door open and head outside. He was looking forward to an afternoon of getting his hands greasy and listening to his music too loud through the tinny stock speakers. It wasn't until after he'd set the tool box and cooler down that he heard the groan. Nobody knew about the bunker, and it wasn't in a place that you would just come upon while jogging or hiking. Hell, Sam and Dean had to be given coordinates to find it. He turned and saw Cas laying in the dirt just a few yards from the door. His trenchcoat was gone, his tie was gone, and his cheap suit was covered in blood on one side. Dean ran to him and knelt in the dirt, panicked.

"Cas? Cas, man?" he whispered. "Don't move, okay. Just stay here, I'm going to go get Sam. We'll help you." Dean could see the deep cut on Cas's neck and was enraged. He ran back into the bunker, calling Sam's name from the top of the stairs.

"What?" Sam asked with annoyance.

"it's Cas. He's outside. Something is seriously wrong."

Sam rushed up the stairs and followed Dean outside. Cas had been beaten, Cas had been worked over, Cas had been cut. "Where do you hurt? Can you move? Can you stand?" Sam knew that moving Cas might be dangerous.

"Head...neck...hurts breathe....my back" he mumbled.

Sam felt his limbs everything seemed okay, other than a couple of broken ribs. They helped him inside and laid him on Dean's bed. Dean stripped him to his boxers and helped him into pajama pants while Sam tried to clean up the blood. The cut on his neck was deep, and although both brothers had become experts at stitching themselves, or each other up, he didn't know if Cas could take it. "Cas, I need to clean your neck and stitch you up. I'm not going to lie, it's going to hurt and it's going to hurt a lot, but I have to close that wound." Cas just moaned and nodded. Over the years they had learned that a curved upholstery needle and dental floss worked best, and Sam was better at stitching than Dean was. Dean let Cas grip his hand and repeatedly whispered, "It's going to be okay, Cas. We're here. We've got this." while Sam went to work. It was over 30 stitches by the time Sam was done and covering it in gauze. "What happened?" Dean asked, still gripping his hand. Cas was in no condition to give a coherent answer. Dean stayed by his side, torn between sympathy and unadulterated rage. Who ever did this was going to pay, and they were going to pay the Dean Winchester way. 

\-------------------------

Cas was in and out. Sam wanted to try and keep him awake, Dean wanted to let him rest. When it came to Cas, Sam knew that he wouldn't win the argument. Dean just sat. He sat in a chair, he sat on the edge of the bed, he sat on the bed leaning against the headboard. He watched Cas, reassured him when he started groaning, called to Sam to bring water or medication. He didn't leave the room, he couldn't, it was Cas. When he'd get tired he'd lay down next to him, but he didn't sleep, he just lightly dozed. He just wanted to know what had happened, what he needed to do about it. 

By the next morning Cas was finally able to move, to talk. The pain in his neck was almost unbearable, but the brothers had always kept a decent stock of antibiotics and pain meds. "They confronted me. They pulled me into a room and told me that I was setting a bad example, I had to make a choice." His voice was soft and muffled. Moving his jaw made his neck hurt and he had a nasty split in his lip.

"A choice?" Sam asked. Dean was still leaning against the headboard, exhausted and angry. He didn't trust himself to talk.

"Heaven or earth. Angels or humans. I can't have both anymore."

"So you chose..."

"I chose earth. I chose humans."

"The cuts? The bruises? Your neck?" Just hearing Sam ask the questions was making Dean angry. He could feel his face getting flushed.

"They blame me for some of the chaos that has ensued in heaven. They said that they needed to make an example of me. They beat me and let the others watch while they removed my grace."

"What about your back?" Dean asked. When he was helping to get Cas undressed he saw two large vertical marks next to his shoulder blades. They weren't bleeding, they looked more like road rash than anything, so they had just cleaned them up and covered them with the bandages that they had used to wrap around his ribs.

"They severed my wings. They don't usually do that, without your grace your wings are useless. I guess they just wanted to make sure that it was final. That they had done all that they could."

"So you're..."

"I'm human. I'm not an angel anymore. I never will be."

"But why, Cas? Why would you let them do this to you?" Dean finally whispered.

"Do you really need an answer?" Cas replied.

As angry as Dean was, he knew that there was nothing he could do about it. Angels were almost untouchable. He couldn't go to them, and he knew that they wouldn't come to him. The anger was turning into guilt. Cas did this for him. 

"Cas..."

"I've tried, Dean. I've tried to walk away, but I can't. We both know that."

Sam almost felt like he was intruding, but he didn't know that he could trust Dean to talk rationally. He was surprised when he saw the tears in his brother's eyes.

"Cas...you didn't...I'm not worth it..."

Cas just reached out and pulled Dean to his chest. 

"It's not about whether or not you are worth it, Dean. It's about which life I want to live. I can't be up there anymore. They don't trust me, and I don't trust them. I did what I had to do. I don't expect anything from you, they are the ones who dropped me outside of the bunker. I can find my own way."

Dean turned his head and looked up at Cas, "no, that's not going to happen. You will stay here, and not just until you get better."

"You don't owe me anything" Cas said quietly.

Dean lifted his head, "I've never felt like I owe you anything, you know that. But I can't, I won't, just send you out there to find your own way. You belong here with us." He laid his head back on Cas's chest and stayed there until Cas finally fell asleep.

\-------------------------

Dean was exhausted. He hadn't really slept since he'd found Cas, and his emotions were all over the place. He was grateful when Sam slid a mug of coffee across the table. He wrapped his hands around it, absorbing the warmth in a daze. "He's human now. I mean, he's been human before, but it's only been for a few days, maybe a few weeks. He always wanted his grace back, but this is it, man, he's one of us. Does he even know what he's getting into? I mean, it's not like we are the best examples, no offense." Dean rambled.

"None taken. Cas has been around for years, he knows what we are."

"Sam...I just...I don't know. I feel guilty as hell. This is huge, this is really huge."

"Dean, you traded your soul for my life. You'd lay down your life for Cas, you already have."

"And he just gave up his for me." Dean said softly, dropping his head. 

"It doesn't matter why he did it. We just move forward. The bruises and cuts will heal and then we help Cas adjust to being human."

Dean let his tears fall onto the table, he didn't even care that Sam was watching. 

"Finish your coffee, find something to eat, and go take a shower. I'll check on him." Sam was more worried about Dean than he was about Cas. He may not understand why, but he knew how much Cas meant to his brother.

"Yeah, okay, thanks Sammy." Dean gave him a forced grin and stood up from the table. 

\-------------------------

Cas was awake. Cas was aware. Cas was scared. He didn't doubt his decision, He just knew that he had a lot to learn. Now he had a life span. Now he had to eat and drink in order to take care of his vessel, his body. Now he may be useless to the Winchesters. As an angel he'd always known how to find Dean, he'd always been able to sense Dean's emotions. He'd been able to heal them and transport them. 

"We'll get you up and moving around tomorrow. Right now I want you to stay in my bed. Okay, that didn't come out right, but you know what I mean. I'll just be right down the..."

"Dean?"

"Yeah, Cas."

"Will you stay?" Cas whispered, he was embarrassed.

Dean breathed a silent sigh of relief, he really didn't want to sleep in another room. "Of course I will." He stripped to his boxers, threw on pajama pants, and crawled into the bed. After he pulled the chain on the lamp, they just laid in silence. He could feel Cas crying next to him. "What's wrong, Cas? Are you in pain? Do you need some more meds? A drink? What do you need?"

"I don't know." Cas sobbed. "It's like nothing makes sense anymore."

"It's okay Cas, it's been a long few days." Dean pulled Cas to his chest. "We both need to try to sleep." He pressed cheek against the top of Cas's head and let him cry.

\-------------------------

Although his neck and ribs still hurt, Cas got out of bed and followed Dean into the kitchen. "I know that you've done this human thing before for short periods of time, but is this time different?" Dean asked.

"I don't know. Before I think I always still had some grace, and I had my wings."

"I know that you've been able to eat and drink, even though you didn't have to. Now you have to. I do remember your great love affair with hamburgers and although I'm a huge fan myself, I thought we'd start you off with something more boring. This is uncharted territory. You are 100% one of us now. So, I figured we'd go for the gourmet scrambled eggs and toast with chef Dean. Do you want some coffee?"

"Yeah, sure. Will it make me sick?"

"The way that I make it, probably. We'll throw a little cream and sugar in there and see if it stays down okay. With our luck you'll be lactose intolerant and unable to eat gluten. But I will optimistically start cooking and we'll see what happens." Dean could see the lost look in Cas's eyes. He had a bandage on his neck, his face was bruised and cut, he wasn't wearing a shirt so Dean could see the large bandage that Sam had wrapped around his chest. "You'll be fine, Cas. We'll take this slow," he handed him his cup of coffee and warned him to sip it while he started cooking. Sam stumbled in, impressed that Dean was already up and cooking.

"Scrambled eggs and toast?"

"Aw, you know me so well Sammy. We're trying to figure out this human thing. When he's been human before was he actually 100% human? I'm guessing not considering that he still had his wings he probably still had some grace. We're taking baby steps."

Sam poured himself a cup of black coffee and sat across the table from Cas. "How are you feeling?"

"Better than I did. How long was I out?"

"It's been about two days, so not that long. The beauty of using dental floss is that you don't have to worry about getting your stitches wet so after you eat I can check out your neck if you want to go shower. We tried to clean you up the best we could, but you were a mess man."

"Thank you, Sam." 

Cas looked around the kitchen and saw it in a whole new way. Now he had to eat and drink. He was going to learn what foods he liked and what he didn't. He was totally reliant on Sam and Dean to see him through it. He just looked at the plate that Dean sat in front of him. He'd watched the brothers eat hundreds of times, but he'd never really paid close attention. He took a deep breath and picked up his fork. The textures were strange, but it tasted good. About halfway through breakfast his stomach started churning, "Dean..." Dean looked over at Cas and saw that his breakfast wasn't staying down. He jumped out of his chair and helped him down the hallway. For the first time in his life, Cas learned what it was like to get sick. He sat on the bathroom floor, leaning against the wall and listened to the tank behind the toilet refill. Dean had handed him a cold washcloth and glass of water, but he'd left both sitting on the floor next to him. 

"Cas, it's okay," Dean said, sitting beside him in the cramped bathroom. "This is going to take time. We should have tried just toast. We'll put you on a good old fashioned stomach flu diet. Soup, toast, and if you're a good boy we'll give you some jello." Cas didn't even crack a smile. He wanted to cry. "Seriously, don't sweat this, okay. I'll go grab you some clothes and you can take a shower. I'll have Sam check out your neck first."

"Thank you, Dean," he mumbled. He couldn't even handle his first attempt at eating. He wondered how long he was going to be a burden.

"Okay, stand up and let's check this out." Sam set Cas's clean clothes down before he peeled back the tape holding the gauze on his neck. "Looks good, I do beautiful work if I do say so myself, but we are going to have to leave these in for a week or two. That is a pretty nasty cut. Come find me when you're done and I'll put the bandages back on. Oh, and the hot water is probably going to sting like hell on the marks on your back." He smiled as he left and shut the door behind him.

Cas looked in the mirror for the first time since he'd gotten there. He was so bruised and swollen, cuts everywhere. He couldn't imagine what he'd looked like when Dean found him. He turned on the shower and got in. Sam was right, the hot water did sting like hell on his back, but it made his ribs feel so much better. He could still see dirt and blood going down the drain at his feet. He stood under the hot stream until it started turned cold. Once dried and dressed he went looking for Sam or Dean, he didn't know how to be alone. He found them in Dean's room changing the sheets. "I'm sorry about the blood and the dirt."

"Don't be. I've tracked plenty of blood and dirt in here. So, uh, we're going to throw these in the washer and we were wondering what you want us to do with your suit. There's a lot of blood on it but we can try to get it clean."

"Throw it away, burn it, I don't care. That belonged to Castiel. I don't want it...wait...I don't have any other clothes. I guess you might as well try to wash it."

"No, we'll get rid of it and you can borrow mine, we're close to the same size." Dean said. He didn't want the suit there either and he was more than happy to let Cas wear his clothes. All he had were jeans, t-shirts, and flannel shirts anyway. "But I am going to have to insist that you get your own boxers, socks, and shoes. A guy is only willing to share so much. Sam can run to the store later." He gave Sam a pointed look, he knew that he couldn't leave Cas, even if Sam was here, and they certainly couldn't take him anywhere looking the way that he did.

"Thank you Dean, thank you Sam." Cas had a feeling that he was going to be saying that a lot.

\-------------------------

Cas was healing, slowly. He seemed to be sick more often than not. In all of the years that he had resided in his vessel he'd never understood the complexity of the human body and it's needs. This was all so new to him. He'd been given his own bedroom and spent hours in there, trying to hide the fact that he couldn't control his emotions. Some days he felt trapped, some days he felt like he was crawling out of his skin, most days he was still so scared that he could barely breathe. He didn't miss heaven, but he still didn't know how to be human, not really. He kept forgetting that he couldn't just transport, he had to remind himself that the grumbling in his stomach or his dry throat meant that he needed to eat or drink. He would lay awake at night just staring at the ceiling, knowing that he needed to sleep, but not knowing how to fall asleep. 

\-------------------------

"Dean?" Cas asked quietly from the doorway.

"What's up, Cas?"

"I know that this is really childish, and probably annoying, but I can't sleep." Cas hated that he was still so dependent on Dean.

"Neither can I. I was just trying to find a movie or something."

"Can I..."

"Of course, Cas. C'mon" After that first week, the week that he spent with Cas sick and scared curled up in his bed, he'd learned that when Cas was there, his insomnia wasn't as bad. Cas climbed under the covers and curled up next to Dean. Even though Sam had cut out Cas's stitches, Dean was still careful when he wrapped his arm around him and pulled him to his chest. 

"You don't sleep much," Cas whispered.

Dean could lie, Cas wasn't an angel anymore and couldn't feel his emotions like he once had, but Cas knew him. In many ways, Cas knew him better than Sam did. There was something comforting in that. "No, I don't. I don't know if it's because I've spent my entire life needing to be ready for a fight or if it's because..."

"You still remember. You still have nightmares about the pit." 

"It's not something you forget." Dean whispered. "How much do you know, Cas? About what happened to me down there?"

"Everything."

"Then you know about the things that I did, about what I became."

"No, Dean, I know what you had to do in order to survive. I know what they tried to make you. That's not who you are, it's what you thought you had to do. You held out, you resisted for a very long time. Longer than most."

"I willingly tortured souls. I'm a monster, Cas." Dean whispered after a long silence.

"You saved my life, more than once. A monster wouldn't do that."

"You're here, you're always here." Dean murmured, pulling Cas closer. "I'm a fucking monster and you've stayed by my side."

"Dean, you're not..."

"I know what I am, Cas. I've done things."

"You've saved people..."

"I spent my entire life being fed that line of bullshit from my father, and that line got blurry. I don't understand, I have never understood why you believe in me the way that you do. I don't deserve it, Cas."

"When they took my grace, when they severed my wings and dropped me in front of the bunker, I thought that I was going to die, and I made peace with it. I'm not an angel anymore, I have no powers that will benefit you in any way, but I know that it doesn't matter. I get scared, Dean. When I can't find you, when I can't sense how your feeling, when I don't know if you need me." Cas broke down crying, "I don't know what happened to our profound bond, I don't know if you can feel it anymore. I hate that I need you as much as I do."

"I don't," Dean whispered.

Cas just cried harder. He'd lost track of how many nights he'd spent crying, how many days he'd tried not to. 

"Cas, I can't imagine going through the things that you are going through right now. I am here, for all of it. I'm not going anywhere, I'm not leaving your side. Human, angel, I don't give a shit. Yes, you've changed, but that Castiel guy that I used to know was kind of an asshole. He wasn't anything like my Cas. If you need to sleep in here with me, if you want to sleep in here with me then you will. Sam will have his opinion about it but he doesn't understand this, and he doesn't have to. When you are scared, when you are sick, when you need to cry...you call my phone, you wander around this bunker, you yell my name, whatever it takes, find me. Don't pull a Dean Winchester and try to act like everything is okay when really you are falling apart inside."

"So why does Dean Winchester act like everything is okay when really he's falling apart inside?"

Dean kissed the top of Cas's head, he could still feel the warm tears on his chest. "Because that's all I've ever known."

"Because of John?" Cas couldn't even refer to John Winchester as their father anymore, not after knowing how he'd raised his boys.

Dean went silent, Cas was leading him down a path that he'd spent years trying to avoid. He didn't want to think about his father. All of the years that he was expected to be a compliant and good little soldier, all of the years that he was told to look after Sam, don't let anything happen to Sam. And yet the last thing John Winchester did was trade his life for Dean's. Dean still didn't understand that. He didn't know if it was his father's way of apologizing. If it was some type of honorable way out. He just knew that although he'd been given another chance at life, he still couldn't forgive him. "Yeah" Dean said quietly, "because of John."

"He'd be proud of you, Dean."

"I really don't care anymore. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't, it doesn't matter to me. You know, if my father knew that I was sharing a bed with another man, just laying here talking, he would berate me. He would belittle me. He would probably call me a queer. But if Bobby..." Dean had to stop, he couldn't talk about Bobby. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to talk about Bobby. Bobby Singer, the father that he and Sam should have had. The gruff older man who spent the last years of his life loving those boys like they were his own. If Bobby knew that he was laying in bed talking to Cas, he might shake his head and mumble something about kids these days, but he'd end up smiling. He just wanted what was best for his boys, especially Dean. Bobby loved them more in the few years they had with him than John did their entire lives. Bobby knew Cas, and because Cas meant so much to Dean, he meant something to Bobby. Sam wouldn't be the man that he was today without him. Bobby had semi retired from the life and became an expert on all things supernatural. If he didn't already have the information you needed, he found it. That's where Sam finally found his own place in their world. Sam took over. Sam did the research, Sam knew the facts. Dean wouldn't be the man that he was today without him. Bobby believed in him, he always told him that he was twice the man that John was. Bobby expected a lot from Dean over the years, but only because he believed in him and he knew that he could do it. 

"I'm sorry Dean, I didn't mean to bring up any bad memories."

Dean chuckled softly, "I was thinking about Bobby, there are no bad memories. When the day comes that I'm ready to talk about him, we will. I just can't right now."

"I understand."

"I know that you haven't been sleeping, and you called me out on my sleeping schedule. Scoot closer so that I can have both arms around you." Dean kissed Cas on top of the head again and adjusted his arms so that Cas could fall asleep with his head over Dean's heart. He knew that his heart beat soothed Cas, he didn't know how he knew that, he just did. He smiled when he felt Cas's body completely relax and his breaths became even. Cas was asleep. Dean laid awake for a little while, thinking about John, thinking about Bobby, but he too was able to drift off, holding Cas close.

\-------------------------

"Do you really think it's a good idea?" 

"Wow, Sam, It actually took you this long to start in on me when it came to the current sleeping arrangements in the bunker. Is there some type of manual on how to handle a situation like this? Because if there is, I would love to read it. Why do you even care?"

"I just want what is best for Cas."

"And you don't trust me."

Sam sighed, Dean was right. In a lot of ways he didn't trust Dean.

"Besides the fact that it's really none of your fucking business," Dean continued, "who in the hell are you to decide what's best for Cas. If he can't sleep when he's alone, what am I supposed to do?" They both heard the shower shut off and knew that Cas would be coming out any minute.

"This conversation isn't over, Dean."

"No, Sam, it is. He wants to sleep in my bed, I want him there. You can sit back and come up with all of your scenarios about what might be going on, but I'll give you the juicy details right now...we talk. We talk until we can both fall asleep and there isn't a fucking thing wrong with that so don't judge me or Cas." He turned from his brother to walk down the hall.

He found Cas in his room, in the room that they had set up for him. Since he'd made them get rid of the suit, the only thing that he had ever worn as an angel, a lot of what he had was Dean's. "Hey, nice outfit," Dean teased him. Instead of getting embarrassed, Cas just grinned at him. That was a step. "So, we know that there are like 6 rooms in this hallway alone, not to mention the rest of the bunker. We just kind of threw this together for you without giving you a choice. This is your home too, so pick a room. You can't have the dungeon, even though we all want it, I was thinking more of just this hallway. Oh, and I wouldn't suggest Sam's. He talks in his sleep, and it's never anything good."

Cas just laughed and Dean reveled in the sound. He loved the idea that even if it was just for a moment, Cas was happy. "Is this your way of telling me that I can just sleep in your room instead of pathetically dragging myself down the hallway every night to knock on your door?"

"Now as good as that sounds, we may have a few minor problems. I mean how are we going to know which clothes are yours and which are mine? You don't like football, and I couldn't use the hot blonde with big boobs joke anymore. Okay, being serious now, you can't fall asleep without me, and it looks like I have a hard time falling asleep without you. We are definitely a pathetic duo, but whatever, I don't care. I promise to always use my headphones instead of making you listen to my music if you promise to always make an effort to toss your dirty clothes in the general vicinity of the laundry basket. Deal?"

"Deal." Cas smiled. 

"I would have suggested bunk beds, I've always wanted bunk beds, but that would kind of defeat the purpose."

"What about Sam?"

"You really want us to share a room with Sam?" Dean grinned. Cas just rolled his eyes. "Listen, Cas, I already talked to Sam. I told him that it's none of his damn business and if this is what we need to do, then it's what we are going to do. This is between us, not between us and Sam. I know that he doesn't trust me, but it's not about him. As long as you trust me..."

"You know that I do."

"Okay then, I guess at some point we pack up my clothes and take them back into my room." Dean knew that Cas didn't have any personal belongings. At least Dean had a few things that he treasured. Some pictures of his mother. Some pictures of Sam and him when they were kids. The shell casing from the bullet that had killed the yellow eyed demon. A few other trinkets that he'd picked up along the way. He'd had over 30 years to amass a small wooden box of treasures, Cas had nothing. They needed to change that. Cas needed memories, real human memories, and Dean intended to give him some.

\-------------------------

"What was she like? Your mother?" Cas may not be an angel anymore, but he'd never learned how to use a filter. He'd never learned what questions might make people uncomfortable. Strangely, Dean loved that about him.

"I don't remember much, I was only four when she died. But I remember that night." Dean was laying with his hands behind his pillow, Cas was laying across the bed, resting his head on Dean's stomach. He could feel every word as much as he could hear it. "I just remember waking up and seeing smoke, it was everywhere. I was terrified, I thought that my room was full of ghosts at first, until I heard her scream. My father started yelling for me but when I got to the hallway I couldn't figure out which way to go or where they were. I knew that I had to go check on Sammy, I mean he was just a baby, but when I got to his room my father handed him to me and yelled for me to get out of the house. I didn't see her. I didn't really see the fire until I got outside and watched it through the windows. I don't remember how many firefighters and police officers it took to drag my father out of there that night. That was the first time he told me to take care of Sam, to watch out for him. He never stopped saying it. That night, Sam became my responsibility."

"Do you resent John for doing that?"

Dean had to think, "I resent John for a lot of things, but no, not really. After that, I just watched him. I saw the look in his eyes and I knew that without her, we didn't mean anything to him. I was strong, physically stronger than Sam, so I became daddy's little soldier. He turned me into a killing machine. Kids shouldn't know the things that I knew. They shouldn't know that those monster that they read about or watch movies about are real. Sam never should have known. I tried to protect him, god I tried to protect him." Dean had started softly crying. "I wanted to stop my old man from asking Sam to make his first kill. Sam was never meant for this life."

"But you were?"

"It's all I've known. Sam had the balls to leave, to go to college while I stayed behind and followed my old man around. Even though I hated him, I still admired the guy. I still wanted to be like him. Now I see that I am like him and I hate it."

"If you weren't hunting, what would you have wanted to do?"

"That's not something that I ever really thought about. But Sam? Sam's a different animal entirely. I have been jealous of that kid for as long as I can remember. Sam stood up to the old man, Sam is smart and he knew it. He wasn't going to let opportunities pass him by because of some ridiculous loyalty to a father who didn't even give a shit. Sam saw what I couldn't. But the life followed that kid. When that same yellow eyed demon that killed our mother killed his Jessica, he changed. He left school, he came back to the life, and he was more brutal and reckless than I was at first. Losing Jess was the worst thing that ever happened to him. He's a 'once in a lifetime' guy. He'll never replace Jess. But it taught me a valuable lesson, never fall in love."

Cas realized that this was the longest conversation that they'd ever had, this was probably the most that Dean had ever told anybody at one time. "What about Lisa?"

"You mean when Sam went to hell and made me promise to go live a normal apple pie life? God we have lived fucked up lives. I'm in my bed in a bunker that is close to 100 years old with a former angel laying on me talking about demons who have killed my loved ones, Sam's loved ones. I'm talking about the times we've gone to hell. But that's what is normal to me. Life with Lisa wasn't normal, it wasn't a fit. I painted devils traps under rugs and I kept holy water by my bed. I was never meant for the life that Sam wanted for me. I wanted to love Lisa, I tried, but it was't real. She loved the person that she wanted me to be, not the person that I am. The best thing I ever did for her and Ben was to have you scrub their memories of me. It hurt, but it was the right thing to do. I still don't know if Ben was really mine."

"He wasn't, his soul didn't match yours. I watched you that year, Dean. I watched you a lot. I wanted to reach out and let you know that I was there, but I knew that I was part of that life you were trying to leave behind."

"You would have been the only part of my life that made any sense."

They just laid in silence. Cas desperately wanted to comfort Dean, but he didn't know how. He didn't understand that the pressure of his head against Dean's body, the sound of his voice, the fact that he listened and didn't judge was probably the most comfort that Dean Winchester had ever known.

\-------------------------

"Let's go somewhere, get out of this bunker. We've been in here for like two months. We've got this eating thing down, let's go eat. I really don't care, you choose."

Cas and Sam both looked at Dean. He saw the disapproval in Sam's eyes, but he didn't care. This wasn't about Sam. 

"I...I don't know." Cas stuttered. They hadn't really gone anywhere. The bruises and cuts had healed, it didn't hurt when he laughed anymore. The only way you'd ever know that anything had happened was the thick ropy scar that ran across the side of his neck. 

"We'll decide in the car." Cas followed Dean up the stairs to the bunker door, not once looking back at Sam. "Okay," Dean said when they got settled in the car, "normally the rule is that the..."

"Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole. You've been very adamant over the years."

Dean just looked at Cas's profile. He was started to look less and less defeated every day. "Nope, shotgun can pick the music. Dig through that shoebox, see if there's anything you want to hear."

"Dean, I don't know anything about music."

"Then it's about time you learned. So..."

"Black Sabbath sounds like more like a typical day in our lives and not a rock band."

Dean leaned his head back and laughed, already hearing the opening chords to Iron Man in his mind. "Then Black Sabbath it is." The pulled away with the windows down and the music loud. 

"Now, greasy diner food is the best, emphasis on greasy. You didn't grow up on this shit like I did, so I have absolutely no idea what it might do to you."

"I guess worst case scenario is that I end up in the bathroom."

"Okay, Cas, good attitude. If you're going to go, you might as well go big. Bacon cheeseburger, fries, the whole deal. I truly apologize ahead of time if you can't keep it down, but if you can, it's almost better than sex."

Cas laughed, "That's not saying much. Do you remember the one time I had sex? I was temporarily human and she was a reaper. I think you referred to her as a 'goddamn praying mantis' after she killed me and you guys had to bring  
me back."

"Again, seriously fucked up lives. But, I guarantee that this meal will be better than sex for you."

\-------------------------

Cas ate, and he kept it down. Dean couldn't have been happier. "I don't want to go back to the bunker. What do you want to do now?"

"Dean, this whole human thing is still kind of new to me. I really have no idea what is out there."

"Well, I want to show you everything." Dean paused, Dean paused for quite awhile. The silence was almost becoming stifling. "Let me call Sam real quick" he said, as he walked out of ear shot. Cas was nervous, he wondered if he'd done something wrong. "C'mon, let's go" Dean said quietly. Cas got in the car, Dean started the engine, and they headed towards the highway. 

They drove for hours in silence before Cas saw the sign. 'Welcome to Lawrence'. 

"You know, we worked a case here, in the old house. Of course it's been rebuilt, the fire burned it to the ground. The new owner, she found a box in the basement. Pictures and things like that." They pulled down a residential street and Dean stopped the car. "That one, right there" he said, pointing. "I barely remember how it looked when I was a kid, but I have a picture of my mom holding Sam the day they brought him home from the hospital, you can see the house behind her. God she was beautiful. I don't know how my old man pulled that off. I stood right here, right where we are parked holding Sam and just watching it burn." Dean was crying. "That's when Dean Winchester's life started, that night. Sometimes I wonder what's worse, not remembering her or not remembering when my father was happy. I could have grown up in that house, I could have gone to that school around the corner. I could have tried to buy beer with a fake ID in that little convenience store a few streets over. We may have gotten our revenge, we may have killed the yellow eyed motherfucker that killed my mother and Jess, but it never changed anything for us. It just made things worse. Sam didn't go back and finish law school like he should have. I dragged him back into the life after that. I swore that I would always protect him, and I brought him back because after the old man died I couldn't do it by myself. Every time I see Sam with his nose in a book, it kills me."

It was dark out, and Dean was emotionally exhausted. Cas knew that he was in no condition to drive. "Let's just get a room and we'll leave in the morning."

"Cas, I don't know if I can stay here, not if we aren't working a case. Last time, I had to be here. I had work to do. This time..."

"This time you'll sleep this off and we'll leave first thing in the morning. Dean..."

Dean just nodded and drove to the main strip to find a cheap motel. He got a room and called Sam again. He didn't tell Sam where they were, Sam didn't need to know, he just told him that they'd be back tomorrow. They didn't even turn the light on, they just stripped to their boxers and crawled into the one king sized bed that Dean had asked for. Instead of letting Dean pull Cas to his chest, Cas wrapped his arms around Dean. Dean didn't resist, he just laid his head on Cas's chest, remembering it all. Cas knew not to ask questions. If Dean wanted to talk, he would talk. Instead, he just held him and kissed the top of his head to comfort him. Cas was starting to doze off when he felt Dean lift his head, "Cas?"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"I'm sorry.

"For what, Dean? For showing me a side of you that I've never seen before? There's no reason to be sorry. I know that this is hard, and it's probably the wrong thing to say, but thank you." 

He felt Dean slide up and kiss his forehead, "I'm supposed to be trying to help you to understand what it's like to be human, but being with you makes me feel more human. I know that doesn't make sense."

"It makes perfect sense," Cas whispered before he felt Dean's hand slide across his throat and along his neck, touching his scar gently with his fingers. He wordlessly bent his head forward and placed his lips on Cas's, softly at first before encouraging him to open his mouth and slide their tongues together. Cas leaned into the kiss and wrapped an arm around Dean's neck, pulling him closer, needing him closer. Dean rolled, trapping Cas's body against the mattress, dropping kisses along his neck, the side that didn't bear the scar. His hands moved gently over smooth skin, eliciting gasps and soft moans. He could feel himself growing hard and started rocking his hips. "No, I can't do this. Not tonight. Not with you. It isn't right." he whispered as he rolled on his back and tried to catch his breath.

Cas had started growing hard. It felt nothing like the night that he'd had sex with the reaper, this was different. "Dean?"

"I'm sorry, Cas. It's just...my head is all over the place and you're vulnerable and we're here. You told me that you trust me. I can't break that trust, I shouldn't have done that."

"I have a lot that I need to learn, but I'm not naive. I kissed you back, I pulled you against me." He bent his head held Dean in a long and lingering kiss, "we can just keep it above the belt."

Dean chuckled in the dark, "I don't know if I can do that."

"You're going to have to."

They kissed again, slow and lazy. Rough hands moved over soft skin, soft hands massaged taut muscles. Cas moaned when he felt the gentle sucking, the kissing, the soft nipping teeth slide down his chest and stomach...Dean's mouth was so close. Cas had never felt anything like this before, and Dean had never exercised this amount of self control. He took a deep breath and slid his body back up, stopping to pull a sensitive nipple into his mouth, running his tongue across it. Cas's moans, Cas calling his name made him want to reconsider. Cas was eager and Dean was hungry, Dean wanted to teach him things. Dean wanted to show him what true pleasure meant, but Cas trusted him and he needed to stop. "Okay, as much as I don't want to, I have to stop. I...uh...am too close to wanting to take it too far." He climbed out of bed and went in search of the bathroom. He knew that it wouldn't take long to rub this one out, he was already close to coming. He thought about Cas while he stroked. The way he felt, the way he smelled, how badly he wanted to feel him, and he came quickly, leaning against the cold tiles of the bathroom wall. He cleaned up his mess, splashed cold water on his face, and looked in the mirror. He was exhausted, he was road weary, he was an emotional mess, but he'd kept his promise. He didn't know how Cas was dealing with the situation, if Cas had to deal with the situation, but he waited for a few minutes before he left the bathroom and crawled back into bed. He laid on his side and pulled Cas to him. Neither of them said a word as they drifted off in a cheap motel in Lawrence, Kansas.

\-------------------------

Cas was sitting on the edge of the bed, laughing. "I don't know which clothes you were wearing and which clothes I was wearing."

"Well, let's see. We have two pairs of jeans, so pick one. Two t-shirts in different colors, so pick one. Two flannels to complete the outfit, I get to pick which one of those I want."

"Sam's going to notice if we..."

"Seriously? We don't answer to Sam. I don't care what he thinks and what we do is none of his business. Don't worry about him. Pick some pants and a t-shirt, this flannel is yours, and let's go."

Cas expected they would be pulling onto the main highway, but instead Dean pulled up in front of a florist, "Give me a minute." He came back with a bouquet of spring flowers and they drove to the cemetery. Dean stopped the car but made no move to get out. "I don't come here. Sam does, but I don't. It's just a slab of granite with a name and some dates etched on it. Her body isn't even there. But we're here, and we saw the house, and I just feel like after all of this time...I don't know, Cas. Maybe this was a bad idea."

"I'll come with you if you want me to. You bought the flowers and you drove here for a reason."

Dean just nodded and got out of the car. He reached back for Cas with a shaky hand. They intertwined fingers and tried to respectfully step around grave markers until they got to the one that Dean was looking for. He was gripping Cas's hand so tightly that it was cutting off the circulation, but Cas didn't care. This was something that Dean needed to do. Dean didn't let go of him when he knelt down to lay the flowers in front of the headstone and whispered words meant only for Mary Winchester. He finally stood up, visibly shaking and crying. Cas didn't know what to do other than to pull him into his arms and let him cry against his neck. "Cas...I...thank you." Dean said softly, cradling Cas's face in his hands and leaning forward to kiss him on the forehead. He reached for Cas's hand again as they slowly and quietly walked back to the car. Dean didn't let go of him the entire drive home.

\-------------------------

"Okay, Sammy, let me have it. Say whatever it is that you have to say."

"I don't have anything to say."

"Let's see, Cas and I were gone for two days and I didn't tell you where we went. Cas is vulnerable and you don't trust me. Am I missing anything?"

"Dean, Bobby used to tell me that I don't give you enough credit for knowing what you're doing. That I judge you because you and I are different, we don't see things the same way. I don't know why, but I thought about that last night. He was right. Sure, I'm curious as hell when it comes to where you went, but I'm not worried about Cas. You would never hurt him and I know that. He needs you."

"And I need him." Dean said quietly before he reached out to hug his brother.

\-------------------------

It was almost unbearable, the feeling of Dean's breath on the back of his neck, the feel of Dean's body curled around him. Cas knew that what had happened in Lawrence was fueled by fear and emotions. He knew that Dean needed him that night, and he needed to express it physically, but Cas's body didn't seem to understand that. He tried to lay still, not rub up against Dean, and relax. He melted when he felt the soft kiss on the back of his neck, "I can't sleep either, and I don't know what's right or wrong here. I don't know how long I can lay in this bed with you and just hold you. I almost didn't stop myself in Lawrence. I don't know if I could stop myself again. If you need to leave this bed, I understand. If you want to stay then I want you to roll over and face me." Cas rolled over and pressed his forehead against Dean's. "I don't know what this is, Cas. It's something I never expected, but it's something I'll never regret." He slowly rolled Cas on his back and bent down to place their lips together. Dean knew that he had to take this slow, that it had to be on Cas's terms. Cas parted his lips and pulled Dean closer, running his hands slowly down his back. Dean knew that this was it, this was real. He wanted to make Cas feel things. His mouth moved across Cas's neck and down his throat, gentle hands everywhere. Calloused fingers sliding slowly, leaving heated goosebumps in their wake. Full lips moving down his chest, stopping to slide a warm tongue around a sensitive nipple, causing a sharp intake of breath. Fingertips trailing the outline of every taut muscle. Cas moaned and Dean smiled, sliding down to kiss the sensitive skin just above the waistband of his boxers. With both pairs of boxers on the floor, Dean settled in and ran his tongue up the silky skin of Cas's shaft, feeling the visible shiver. His warm hand was stroking, his tongue swirling around the head, until he felt the arch of Cas's hips, signaling that he wanted more. He heard the gasp when he took the head into his mouth and gently sucked, still stroking, moving to take more and more with each rock of Cas's hips. Cas desperately grasped the sheets and cried Dean's name when he felt the release. He couldn't move while Dean kept using his lips and his tongue until he was completely satiated and had finally gone limp. "We can't go back" Dean whispered as he crawled up the bed.

"Dean..."

"No Cas, this was about you. We have plenty of time." He pulled Cas's sweaty and shaking body against him, resting his cheek against his still damp hair. Cas finally stopped shaking and drifted off. Dean had always thought that the angel Castiel meant everything to him, but it was nothing compared to what he felt for this human, for his Cas.

\-------------------------

Sam knew. They never talked about it, but he knew that Cas and Dean had become lovers. He'd heard them, he watched them try to sneak around, but he saw how happy they were. 

\-------------------------

Dean had been trying to teach Cas things about cars, football, and old western movies. Sam had been trying to teach Cas things about literature, folklore, and how to use a computer. Cas was trying to take it all in, he was trying to learn. He would go to the coffee shop with Sam, he would go to the auto parts store with Dean. The three of them would go to movies. He didn't get frustrated as often, he didn't cry anymore, he was starting to feel like he was fitting in. He even trusted himself to go outside and hike through the woods without getting lost, something he wouldn't have done in the first few months he'd been at the bunker. He still got scared sometimes, and he hated that. He hated that he was still so reliant on Dean, but Dean was always patient with him. He never regretted his decision to become human.

\-------------------------

"We should go somewhere."

"What do you mean?" Cas mumbled, his face buried in Dean's neck. He knew that it only took a few kisses and small bites to get Dean in the mood.

"A vacation." Dean moaned. Cas was such an eager lover, and a very skilled one as it turned out. 

"Do we need to talk about this now?" 

"Nope" Dean pulled Cas on top of him and starting running his hands down his sides. They didn't even bother to sleep in boxers anymore. They had a healthy sex life, and Sam never bothered them. "What do you want?" Dean whispered. Cas's mouth was already half way down his stomach and he could feel his cock graze Cas's chest. "I want you inside of me..." Just hearing those six words made Dean moan. He was still afraid of hurting Cas, but Cas had learned how to take him. He refused to do it from behind, he wanted to see Cas's face. He loved it when he made Cas come, he loved watching the way he would bite his lip or roll his head back, the way his name would escape between Cas's lips as a moan. Cas crawled back up Dean's body and straddled him, reaching down to wrap his hands around both of them and started to slowly stroke. "Oh god, if you keep doing that I won't last long enough to be inside of you." Cas leaned forward and caught Dean in a kiss, parting his lips just enough to feel Dean's tongue before he pulled away. He was a tease. When he tried it again, Dean wrapped his hand around the back of his head, pressing their lips together, their tongues sliding back and forth. Cas's hands were everywhere, his fingertips sliding down Dean's chest and stomach, running back up his sides to dig into his shoulders and massage his neck. It didn't take long, they were both ready. Dean leaned forward and gently pushed Cas onto his back, placing pillows under his hips before he grabbed the lube out of the nightstand. He was kissing a line across Cas's neck and down his throat when he slid the first finger in, he still loved the sound of the gasp. His full lips were moving, kissing and nipping at the smooth skin across Cas's chest when the slid in the second finger and found the prostate. He felt Cas twitch against him and he knew that he could make him come right now. His fingers slid in and out, knowing how far he could go before he lined up the head of his cock. He pulled his fingers out and buried himself inside of Cas, watching his face, watching him take that deep breath before he arched and reached to dig his fingers into Dean's thighs, to hold Dean still. Dean's hands slid up Cas's sides, across his chest, down his stomach, his fingertip gently teasing the silky skin of his cock before he bent down to press his mouth against all of the places he knew that Cas wanted. He finally leaned in for a deep kiss and started sliding in and out, pressing against Cas's prostate. His hand was gentle when he slid it between them and wrapped it around Cas, just waiting for the signs that it was time to start stroking. He wanted Cas to come first, he always wanted Cas to come first. He heard the moan and started sliding his hand up and down, rocking harder and thrusting deeper. Every thrust was a burst of pain and pleasure, they both felt it. Dean felt the throbbing in his hand and opened his eyes to focus on Cas's face. He saw the look of pure bliss, his eyes rolled back, his mouth open and moaning his name before he felt the warm sticky come on his hand. That was enough to put him over the edge and with a few more hard thrusts he exploded, feeling it throughout his entire body. He collapsed, sweaty and satisfied, but he always took the time to run his lips softly along the scar on Cas's neck. The scar that brought Cas to him. The scar that made Cas his.

\-------------------------

"So, vacation?" Cas panted, Dean still sprawled on top of his body. "Vacation from what? We don't do anything."

Dean smiled, "We just did something."

"Oh we are NOT taking a vacation from that."

Dean laughed and rolled off of Cas to reach for the box of tissues. He cleaned them up the best he could. "I mean just go somewhere. Get out of this bunker. Some new scenery, maybe somewhere we've never been."

"Well then hell is out, so is purgatory..."

"Have you always been this big of a smart ass?"

"No, usually only after I get laid, so technically it's your fault."

Sometimes Dean felt like he was talking to himself, especially after sex. Cas had a lot of attitude after sex. "So my first thought was romantic getaway...but just saying the words romantic getaway creeps me out a little. Maybe this will sound weird, but we should all go. Sam too."

Cas had gone back to kissing Dean's neck, "doesn't sound weird. Sam is family."

"Feel free to keep doing that, I mean seriously feel free. However, the chances of me getting it up again any time soon are very slim."

Cas leaned back and looked at him, his blue eyes shining. "You'll get it back up eventually, but that's not why I'm doing it. I happen to like kissing your neck, and your lips, and your chest, and your stomach, and your..."

"Okay, I get it. Now we need to either talk about what you want to kiss, or plan a vacation with my brother. I'm feeling kind of dirty doing both at the same time."

Cas sat up and just stared at Dean's face. It was perfect. The green eyes, the sexy grin, the ever present stubble, and the spattering of freckles just to balance it out. They'd never said it, but he knew that Dean was his and he was Dean's. "A family vacation sounds great. Where have you always wanted to go, but never really been? And being somewhere just to work a case and leave doesn't count."

"The beach. I've always wanted to just relax on the beach. My original plan was senoritas and cerveza's, but that plan has obviously changed."

"What? You're not going to drink beer?" Cas said, trying to keep a straight face.

"You're an asshole, you know that?"

Cas just grinned and bent down to give Dean a kiss. He didn't know how he managed to find a best friend and amazing lover in the same person. He wanted to tell Dean that he loved him, but he never knew if the timing was right. He didn't even know how Dean would respond. He always remembered the night that Dean told him if there was one thing he had learned it was not to fall in love. He laid back down and let Dean pull him against his body before he turned off the lamp.

\-------------------------

"Sam, do you have a minute?" Dean asked as he and Cas poured their coffee and sat down at the kitchen table.

"Of course. Why? What's up?"

"We just wanted to talk to you about something."

"We don't need to have this conversation, I already know. I figured it out awhile ago. If you're happy, then I'm happy for you."

Cas looked down at the table. He was embarrassed, but the stunned look on Dean's face was enough to make him have to hold in laughter.

"Uh, well there's that, and I...we appreciate your support, but that's not what we wanted to talk to you about."

"Oh, okay, so..."

Dean was still a small state of shock, so Cas stepped in.

"We were thinking of getting out of the bunker and going somewhere. All of us."

"But you guys are...I mean...wouldn't I be like a third wheel or something?"

"If you say romantic getaway I will slap you." Dean muttered.

Cas couldn't hold in his laughter anymore. "No, no third wheel. We've known each other for a long time, Sam. You need to get out of here too. Dean thought the beach. Something about senoritas and cervezas, but apparently he's changed his mind about the beer."

"Shut up, Cas. Point is, the only time we ever go anywhere other than Vegas once in awhile is to work a case. Let's go somewhere because we want to. No work, no books, no computer unless your are watching movies or looking up porn. Sand and surf and yes...beer. We get in the car and we start driving west."

"Uh, wow, well how does a guy say no to that? But you're sure that this won't be weird?"

"We've been sleeping together for months, Sam. What part of it would be weird?" Dean asked.

"Well first of all, now I know for sure but I honestly don't care, so as long as we have motel rooms on opposite ends of the building, I say let's do it."

That's when Dean's phone rang...

\-------------------------

Dean picked up his phone and looked at the caller ID, "I need to take this." He jogged up the stairs and went outside wearing just pajama pants. Sam and Cas knew that it had to be something serious. They sat in silence until Dean came back and sat down. "That was Jody Mills."

"That Sheriff up in Sioux Falls?" Cas asked. He'd only met Jody once, but she was tough as nails with a heart of gold.

"Yeah. I guess somebody contacted her about Bobby's property. It was left to us and we've never done anything with it. apparently somebody wants to buy the land. The deed is in our name. Fuck!" Dean got up and started pacing. "I mean, that's Bobby's, you know? That's Singer Salvage. We can't just...I don't know. I don't fucking know. Sam?"

"I don't know. Is this one of those times when you ask what would Bobby want? We both know that the land and burned down house can't just sit there forever, but we've never talked about what to do with it. I've never even thought about it."

"I told her that we'd talk it over and that I'd call her back. I need to go jump in the shower or something." Dean was in a daze when he turned to walk down the hall.

Cas was lost, he was confused, and he was sad. In his own way, he'd loved Bobby too. He was surprised when Sam nudged him and pointed at the doorway, "Go..." He just nodded and followed Dean down the hall. "Hey," he called, jogging to catch up. "Company?" Dean stopped and waited for him. Instead of the shower, Cas led Dean to their room and laid down on the bed.

"Remember when you told me that you'd talk about Bobby when you were ready?"

Dean just nodded.

"It sounds like you need to be ready."

Dean laid down and let Cas rest his head on his stomach. "He was always just Uncle Bobby, you know? When my father had complicated cases or needed to send us somewhere, he'd ship us to South Dakota for a little while. I guess he thought that since Bobby didn't have any kids of his own and his wife had died, he'd want the company of a couple of snot nosed brats. But with Bobby, we were never mini-hunters, we were kids. He taught me how to play catch. He let Sam and me run wild through that salvage yard, climbing on shit we shouldn't be climbing on, slapping band aids on cuts. But it wasn't until my father died that I really started to appreciate him. He was the first person we went to. He let me fix my car, he sat with Sam and went over all of that nerdy shit that I never understood. He never pushed us to go back and hunt, but he didn't say a word when we did. He always took our calls, he always showed up to help, he always told me that I'm twice the man that John Winchester was." Dean had started crying. "He was the first person I called when I came back from hell. Well, you were there. He was the first person I went to. Any time I had a problem with a case, with Sam, with you, I always turned to him. That man loved me unconditionally. He loved me more in the last years of his life than my father did in my entire life. He wasn't afraid to call me on my bullshit, but he believed in me. Did you know that I was just a few feet away from him when he was shot? I was right there, Cas. We saw the bullet hole in his hat. I was right there. I saw that motherfucker aim his gun. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't help him. All I could do was sit next to his hospital bed and wait. I'd look at that grumpy face and would pray, I would actually pray to trade places with him because the world needed more Bobby Singers than it did Dean Winchesters. I just sat, I just watched, I just waited. It's all I could do. The only other time I remember feeling so fucking helpless is when Sam died and I traded my soul." Dean was almost hysterical so Cas turned and laid next to him, pulling his head down on his chest. He just kissed the top of his head, ran his fingers through his hair, and listened, "I mean why Bobby? Nobody has ever made me believe in myself the way he did, nobody except you. God Cas, I miss him. I miss him so much. I can't pick up my phone and hear that grumpy voice call me an 'idjit' ever again. I'll never get to sleep on that ancient couch of his or eat the shit that he considered home cooked meals. All we have left is a burned down salvage yard, it's not enough that they shot him, they had to burn down his house too. We have nothing. I don't know what to do, Cas. What do I do? I can't bring him back, but the salvage yard...I can't...." Dean was sobbing, clutching Cas so tightly that it hurt. "I miss him, Cas. I miss him so fucking much..."

Cas sat with Dean for hours while he cried, while he mourned the only parent he ever really knew. 

\-------------------------

Dean had finally cried himself to sleep so Cas got up to find something to drink before he went back in the bedroom. He didn't want to leave Dean's side, not right now. He found Sam still sitting at the kitchen table with his head down.

"Sam?"

"How's he doing?" Sam asked softly.

"Not good. How are you doing."

"Not good. But, you know, Dean was always closer to him. Hell, in his own way Dean has always been closer to everyone. Dean feels things too deeply. I can sit here and logically say that we should sign on the dotted line. We've never intended to go back up there, let alone use the land for anything. But it was all we had for those last few years. As much as I'm hurting, I can't imaging what Dean is going through. If it weren't for you, I'd be terrified right now. Dean isn't going to drink or fight his way through this, he needs you."

"I'm your friend, Sam. If you need to talk..."

"Do you love him?"

Cas had never actually said it, "Yes, very much."

"Then he needs you. I'll be okay. When he gets past the emotional part I'll talk to him. We'll just sign the papers. There's really no reason not to."

\-------------------------

Dean was sitting up on the edge of the bed when Cas came back in, "I went to grab a drink and stopped to talk to Sam for a minute."

"You don't have to explain yourself, baby."

Cas crawled up on the bed behind Dean and wrapped his arms around him, pressing his face to Dean's back. Dean reached up and held his arms, pulling them closer to his body. Cas didn't know how long they sat like that before he turned his head and kissed the back of Dean's neck. He didn't know if it was the wrong thing to do, he just knew that Dean needed to feel him. He slowly kissed across Dean's shoulders until Dean relaxed and leaned back against his touch. He wrapped his hands around Cas's wrists and pulled his hands to his lips, kissing his knuckles before letting them go and turning his body to press Cas against the mattress. The kisses were soft and gentle, hands slow and lazy. There was no rush, they just needed to become lost in one another. After dropping their clothes to the floor, Dean settled between Cas's legs and kissed him deeply, their tongues sliding together, bodies gently rocking. It was easy and it was slow. They locked gazes, Cas could see the pain in Dean's eyes, Dean could see the love in Cas's. "I can't ever lose you, Cas." Dean cried, running his fingers down the side of Cas's face and across his scar. "You're everything." They cried together while they slowly rocked. Their hands were soothing, their lips were comforting, they whispered words that meant everything. They both knew that they weren't going to finish, Dean just needed to find peace and warmth against Cas's willing body. They held each other for hours, both mourning the things that hey had lost but giving themselves over to what they had found. They were exhausted, but didn't want to sleep. Cas finally rolled Dean on his side so they were facing each other. He pressed their foreheads together and stared into those beautiful green eyes. He knew what he wanted to say, but he didn't know if Dean was ready to hear it. "I can see it all in your eyes, Cas. You don't have to say it, but I know." Dean whispered. Cas couldn't help the tears. Dean wiped them away with his thumb, "Look at me, Cas. It's in my eyes too, don't you ever doubt that." He gently kissed Cas before he pulled him close. They just lay like that until morning, neither one able to fall asleep, neither one able to let go of the other.

\-------------------------

Sam could see the bags under Dean's eyes, they were weary and red, but he was calm. He poured himself a cup of coffee and gestured at Sam offering a refill. Sam held his mug out and waited for Dean and Cas to get settled.

"Listen, you two need to talk about this. I can go." Cas said quietly.

Dean reached out and pulled Cas's hand to his lips, "I want you to stay."

Cas turned to look at Sam and he just nodded. 

"So," Dean started, his voice rough and quiet from crying, "after a very long night I feel like maybe we should sell it. We aren't doing anything with it, we haven't been up there, and when I ask myself what Bobby would want, I know he'd want us to sell. He'd tell us that there's no use hanging on to it."

"I feel the same way. I'd like to go up there one last time, look around, see if there is anything left that we want or that he would want us to have."

Tears sprang to Dean's eyes, all he could do is nod. 

"You don't have to come with me, Dean."

"Yeah I do, Sammy. I'll call Jody, we can leave tomorrow morning." He gave Sam a forced smile and got up from the table. He knew that he needed to sleep, and as selfish as it was, he needed Cas with him. He hadn't let go of Cas's hand so he easily led him down the hallway and back into bed where he finally drifted off listening to Cas's heart beat. Cas listened to Dean softly snore for a few minutes until he too finally fell asleep.

\-------------------------

Cas climbed into the backseat without anyone saying anything. He knew that this was a trip where Dean needed Sam to ride shotgun. Dean kept the music low and they didn't talk much other than a funny Bobby story here and there. They knew that the next couple of days were going to be excruciating and Dean felt bad that he had Cas, and Sam was alone. Sam would always be alone, he didn't know how to love somebody other than Jess, and for the first time in his life, Dean understood. They got rooms at the motel and went their separate ways to try and sleep before they went to the salvage yard in the morning. Sam stayed awake just staring at the ceiling. This was their final goodbye to Bobby Singer. Dean laid awake in Cas's arms, also knowing that this was their final goodbye.

Dean almost couldn't bring himself to pull off of the highway and down the gravel drive that was now covered in weeds. He cut the engine, turned to look at Sam, took a deep breath, and got out of the car. He reached his hand back for Cas, he couldn't move until he felt him. Walking around the yard wasn't as painful as they'd thought. The first thing they did was took down the 'Singer Salvage' sign and put it in the trunk. They wandered around the yard together, going through the garages and sheds full of junk before they finally stood in front of the burnt remnants of the old house. They walked through it together, picking things up, moving things, sometimes digging things out of the dirt. A lot of what they found started a funny story, or a good memory. Sam found some books, Dean found some trinkets, they both found things that had belonged to Bobby. They were taking a final walk around when they heard Jody's car pull in. Sam went to talk to her while Dean stood perfectly still in the center of what he used to consider his home. Cas wrapped his arms around him from behind and rested his chin on Dean's shoulder. "You okay?"

"Yes and no. I miss him, Cas. God, I miss him so much. But this is it, this is the final goodbye, you know? Now I have things, not just memories, things that belonged to Bobby."

"He knew that you loved him, Dean. That's what's important. He always knew. He never doubted you. You were his favorite and he believed in you for a reason. You are the man you are today because of him, and I wish that I could thank him for that."

Dean turned in Cas's arms and let Cas pull him close. "Thank you, Cas." He leaned back far enough for a kiss, "we should probably go talk to Jody."

"Dean!" Jody wrapped her arms around him and he could feel her shaking. Jody had always loved Bobby. Cas got the next hug. Jody had watched their embrace from a distance and Sam had explained everything from Cas becoming human to why he had his arms wrapped around his brother. "Let's go to lunch. I'll buy." Jody offered.

"No need for you to buy."

"Dean Winchester, don't be so damn bullheaded. A lady wants to buy you lunch, let her."

Dean gave her an actual grin and they followed her down the drive and back to the highway.

They signed the deed over to the new owner and he handed them a check. There may be a lot of junk on it, but Bobby owned a lot of land. After a round of handshakes and goodbye hugs from Jody they got in the Impala and headed back to the bunker, knowing that they'd never come to Sioux Falls again.

\-------------------------

Opening a bank account when you have a background like Sam and Dean Winchester is almost impossible, unless the check is large and the bank is willing to look the other way. 

"What are we going to do without credit card scams and pool hustling, Sammy?" 

"Who says we can't still hustle pool?"

Cas was smiling at the brothers. They'd been back for over a week and the brothers seemed to be doing okay. 

"I, for one, am going to buy a car." Sam said.

"Let me guess, something geeky and eco-friendly?"

"I'm 6'4", Dean, could I fit into something geeky and eco-friendly? I was actually thinking about a truck. Something vintage."

"Really?" Dean asked, "because I know a guy who is a genius when it comes to fixing up cars. He is pretty expensive though..."

"Really? Cas told me that you're pretty cheap." Sam smiled.

Dean just grinned and winked, "Nah, he just gets the discounted rate...full service."

"Okay" Sam said, standing up from the table, "I did not need to know that."

"Oh quit being such a prude, Sammy. You already knew that."

Sam laughed, "Let's see how quickly I can embarrass Cas...I didn't just know that, I've heard it. More than once. You are loud."

Cas's cheeks turned bright red.

"Of course he is, Sammy. Look at what he's working with." Dean reached out for Cas and pulled him onto his lap. "Don't be embarrassed," he whispered, "I love every single sound you make. Aaaaand just thinking about them is getting me hard. Is it bedtime?"

"It can be" Cas whispered.

"Damn, you are horny. I like it." They stood up and started walking towards the hallway, "G'night Sammy." Dean called.

"I wasn't trying to encourage you, damnit!"

\-------------------------

"You want to hear those six words, don't you?" Cas whispered. He knew that Dean's body would react just hearing him say that.

"I'm certainly not opposed to it. But I want you to face me. I want to watch you."

Cas was always amazed at how he seemed to feel Dean's hands everywhere at once. He leaned in for the deep kiss, he was needy tonight. He was already slowly grinding when he felt the full lips, the gentle teeth, fingers digging into his flesh while Dean moaned in anticipation. He'd found the bottle of lube and was dripping it on his fingers while Cas watched, knowing what was going to happen next, waiting for it. He was ready for the first finger, but the second one still took him by surprise. He knew that he would be feeling it sliding against his prostate, and his cock twitched just thinking about it. He still gasped, every time felt new with Dean. His hips rocked against the fingers, a moan was building when he finally felt Dean's slick cock. That moment always left him unable to breathe. He had to grasp Dean's shoulders to steady himself while he felt impatient fingers digging into his hips, his thighs, just waiting for him to move. He leaned back as far as he could, letting Dean watch as he slid his body up and down, not caring how loud he moaned or cried out. Fingers reached out to tease him, lightly running up his shaft and across his head. Just feeling Dean slide against his prostate was enough to make him come, but Dean loved touching him, stroking him, watching him come on his stomach. Cas's movements were frustratingly slow, he wanted it to last, it had been weeks since he had felt Dean inside of him, but Dean didn't play fair. He started stroking, slowly at first and then building, touching him in all of the places that he needed to be touched. Dean's name was nothing more than a strangled cry before Cas pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and felt the final moan build in his chest and he let himself go. This was the moment that Dean loved, when he saw the pure satisfaction on Cas's face, when he felt like Cas had gone to another place and was just waiting for him. He gripped Cas's thighs and started to rock, encouraging Cas to slide up and down. When he felt the build he reached around and grabbed Cas's shoulders from behind thrusting his hips and pulling Cas down against him. He came so hard, almost painfully, that he couldn't move. He couldn't even see straight. All he could see were those blue eyes with lust blown pupils. They gently rocked until Dean went limp and Cas rolled off of him. Neither one could catch their breath, let alone talk. Out of habit, Cas wiped Dean's stomach and hand as clean as he could with a tissue, knowing that they would still have to shower in the morning to rid themselves of the smell of sex and the stickiness of their bodies. None of that mattered right now. What mattered is what they saw when they turned their heads and locked eyes. Some nights they talked, but tonight wasn't one of those nights. They both knew that things were getting back to normal. As normal as their lives could be. They'd still never said the words, but they knew. Dean ran his lips gently across the scar as Cas reached over to turn off the lamp. He started falling asleep before Dean had his arms wrapped completely around him. It was still evening, not even fully dark outside, but Dean would stay there all night, not moving, just to feel Cas against him. 

\--------------------------

Sam had a roadmap pulled up on his computer, Dean was sitting next to him while they talked about the best route to take. Sam wanted to fly, Dean made the argument that they could stop in Vegas on the way. He wouldn't admit out loud that he was afraid to fly. Cas just smiled as he watched them argue and debate. He didn't really care how they got there, he just knew that they all needed to go somewhere. 

It was a whole different experience when they didn't have to pack up the fake FBI suits they used on their hunts to gain access to police records and medical examiners offices. They emptied the trunk of the Impala of weapons, other than a couple of guns and blades they thought they might need for protection. Sam and Cas took turns riding shotgun, and shotgun didn't even have to shut his cakehole, even though he still had to choose from the old box of cassette tapes. Out of habit they still stopped at greasy diners, but found motels one step up from the cheap ones they had grown used to. Dean held Cas's hand as they walked up and down the strip in Vegas, Sam and Cas wandered off when Dean found a table and started playing blackjack. Sam never felt like a third wheel.

"He's probably going to lose a lot of money." Sam laughed while he and Cas sat at the bar.

"He gave himself a limit, and it's cash only"

"He'll find an ATM."

Cas laughed because Sam was probably right. Cas had never seen Sam and Dean so relaxed, so happy in all of the years that he'd known them. "I wish that we'd taken the time to become better friends, Sam."

"We have all of the time in the world now. I don't see you going anywhere any time soon, and I don't see my brother letting go of you. Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Sure." Cas was getting buzzed, he didn't know what his tolerance for alcohol was.

"Were you in love with him, you know, back then?"

"When I was an angel?"

"Yeah. I mean we all wondered, we all thought..."

"I know that you did. I didn't understand romantic love. I knew that I had very strong feelings for him, but I never knew what they meant."

Sam had a pretty good buzz too. "So this, now, how did this happen?"

Cas thought back to that night in Lawrence. "That's Dean's story to tell, not mine."

Sam was disappointed, but he understood. Whatever it was, however it happened, it was obviously very personal. "He's changed, you know."

"I know. But I don't always know what that means. He talks about the Dean Winchester that he was meant to be, but I don't see that guy anymore when I look at him."

"Neither do I, Cas. You've changed him."

"No, I think that he's wanted to change, he just didn't know how."

"I know it's probably rude, but I like you a whole hell of a lot better now than I did when you were an angel." 

Cas just laughed, "Dean tells me the same thing."

"Okay, so I lost, but I didn't go use the ATM. I'm good, it's out of my system. Am I allowed to sit for a drink or am I interrupting your little heart to heart here?" Dean grinned.

"Sit, drink, enjoy yourself. It wouldn't be the first time that you had to get in the car in the morning and drive hungover."

"Truer words have never been spoken, Sammy." Dean said, signaling the bartender for a drink. "In the morning we leave, by nightfall we will be checked into a motel by the beach."

Sam just looked at his brother. As much as he missed Jess, and he missed her every day, he could see that Dean finally understood. Cas was his everything. If anybody deserved to finally find that one, it was Dean. "Well, off to bed guys. We'll meet for breakfast?"

"Of course, Sammy."

Sam just smiled and walked away, leaving Cas and Dean at the bar. Dean turned Cas towards him and leaned in for a kiss.

"Sometimes I'm surprised when you do that in public." Cas whispered.

"Why? I can't be proud of you?"

"Because you've always been such a..."

"Ladies man, player, total asshole. I know. But look what that got me? I didn't wake up one day and tell myself that I was going to go switch teams. This has never been about that. You are smart, and sexy, and amazing and I'm proud that you're mine. Let me have that."

"I know, but I do get a lot of dirty looks from women."

"You may not believe it, but so do I. Now come here, let's make every woman in this room jealous." Dean pulled Cas to him for a deeper kiss.

"You keep that up, you are going to get us kicked out." Cas laughed.

"I was thinking about going to bed anyway, ready?"

"Aren't I always?"

"Mmmmm" Dean moaned against Cas's lips when he leaned in for another kiss, "add that to the list of things that I'm proud of."

They stripped and got into bed, both too drunk to do much other than touch, kiss, roll around, and giggle. It was a perfect night.

\-------------------------

The sun was just starting to set when they finally pull up to the motel, this was at least two steps up from the cheap motels that they were used to. They got out of the car and could smell the clean and salty air. They'd finally done it, the Winchesters finally got to relax on the beach. When they checked into their rooms Dean turned to Cas and whispered, "Huge showers, definitely meant for two."

"So, uh, get settled and then go get something to eat?" Sam unknowingly interrupted.

"Sounds good."

"And by get settled I mean get your bags in there, not try everything out."

Cas turned red and Dean just grinned, "Okay, Sammy. We'll do that later."

Dean unlocked the door with the key card and let Cas walk into the room before him. They had a view of the beach, a huge bed, and a steam shower that could probably fit four or five. "Do you like it?" Dean asked, putting his arms around Cas from behind. "I like it enough that we need to put our bags down and meet Sam right now or we'll never get to eat." Dean grinned. He only wanted the best for Cas. It wasn't five star, but it was on the beach and more comfortable than anywhere they'd ever been. He wanted to say those words to Cas, he wanted to say them so badly, but he knew that he had to wait. "Okay, let's go find Sam."

Sam was happy, Sam was smiling. They had been right, he didn't feel like a third wheel. He was getting to know Cas better than he ever had, and he was seeing a different side of Dean. They ate, they drank, and they laughed. Each of the brothers telling stories to try and embarrass the other. As much as Cas wanted to get Dean alone, he didn't want dinner to end. He didn't want this feeling to end. 

\-------------------------

Dean turned the lock on the door and pressed Cas against it, "We have all night, so I want to take this nice and slow" he whispered, running his hands up Cas's t-shirt. "And then I want to shower" he slowly slid his hands between them, to run his fingers across the waistband of Cas's jeans. "And then I want to do it all again." he leaned forward and gently placed his lips on Cas's. He pulled back from the kiss, pushed Cas's shirt over his head, and threw it on the floor. Cas reached out to slide his hands slowly up Dean's sides, until Dean pulled his own shirt off and dropped it. "You're going about this slow thing the wrong way" Cas panted, reaching down to unbutton Dean's pants and gently draw the zipper down, Dean was already hard against his fingertips. They kissed deeply, tongues sliding together, Cas pulling Dean's bottom lip between his teeth and gently sucking while the rest of their clothes fell to the floor. Dean moaned and pulled him to the bed, "I guess nice and slow will have to wait" he whispered before he buried his face against Cas's neck, his full lips leaving a trail across his scar. He settled between Cas's legs and already felt the heat radiating between their bodies. They couldn't help but rock, warm hands pressing to push their bodies closer, lips dropping kisses and gentle bites along soft skin. Hearing his name as a deep moan crossing Cas's lips was enough to make Dean rock harder, faster, losing himself in the warm and sweaty skin trapping their hard cocks between their bodies. Cas's fingers were desperate as he dug them into Dean's arms, his shoulders, then his back before sliding them down to again press their bodies together. He tilted his hips, meeting Dean's rhythm, knowing that he was going to come soon. He cried out, not even trying to be quiet, when he felt the release and warmth, Dean's smooth stomach still sliding against him. "C'mon baby" he whispered, pressing his hands harder, pushing them as close as he could until he heard Dean's guttural moan and felt the sticky fluid spread between their bodies. Dean collapsed, sweaty and spent, breathing deeply in Cas's ear. Cas wrapped his arms around him, squeezing his legs to hold Dean between them. Neither one of them wanted to move. "I meant what I said that night, about never wanting to lose you," Dean whispered. "I know" Cas whispered back, "and you won't." Dean buried his face in Cas's neck, torn between crying and smiling. He would never be able to describe the things that Cas made him feel. "We need a shower." Cas finally whispered, sliding out from under Dean. Dean just groaned and followed Cas to the bathroom.

They didn't have to hurry because the water was going to turn cold. They had as much time as they wanted to slide their slick soapy hands all over each other's bodies, to press each other against the tile for a deep kiss. They stayed under the hot stream until their fingers started to wrinkle and they were too exhausted to stand. They dried each other off with the thick fluffy towels and crawled back into the bed, Cas laying his head over Dean's heart. "Sometimes I feel guilty," Dean said in the dark. "We have this, you and I, and it's amazing. I see Sam alone and I know that he deserves to have somebody that makes him feel the way that you make me feel. I know that he had Jess, but that was a lifetime ago. He loses himself in his books and his work, but then has nobody to curl up next to him at night."

"You didn't have that either for a long time, Dean. How many years do you think that Sam wanted this for you?"

"And how many years did he know that it would be you?" Dean smiled, kissing the top of Cas's head. 

\-------------------------

Instead of getting to do it all over again in the morning, they had slept in and Dean watched Cas wait impatiently by the door. He knew that they were supposed to meet Sam ten minutes ago. "I'm hurrying." he scowled, throwing everything that they needed into a bag and ushering Cas out the door. They got to the restaurant for breakfast and Sam looked at his watch.

"Seriously guys?"

"He wouldn't get out of bed," Cas said, pointing at Dean.

"Hey, it's a comfy bed."

"He needs coffee." Sam smiled.

After breakfast, dealing with Dean was like dealing with that nine year old hopped up on Mtn. Dew and candy. All he'd ever wanted to to just relax on the beach with no worries. "Okay Cas, no offense but I'm not going to hold your hand or anything."

Cas was surprised, especially after their conversation in Vegas. "Uh, okay, can I ask why?"

"Because I feel like being an asshole."

"To me?" Cas was confused.

"No" Dean said pointing at all of the girls in bikini's, "to them."

"You are a total dick, you do realize that?" Said said laughing. He saw Dean's game. Get them interested and then pull the gay relationship card.

"Yes, yes I do."

Cas finally laughed. Dean was such an attention whore sometimes, and he was going to love the looks on these girls faces when he hugged or kissed Cas.

They found three chairs, dropped their stuff, pulled off their shirts and sat down. Dean was in heaven. It was everything he wanted and more. The sand, the ocean in front of him rolling in soft waves, the outcropping of rock that held the ocean water into a small pool. The smell, the sounds, the feel of the cold beer that Sam handed him, it was perfection. Now he was just waiting for the natural reaction that the three of them would get from the girls. He really was an asshole. 

They were approached a few times, but mostly just got interested looks. Dean finally got up to go get his toes wet and Cas laughed when every girl on the beach turned to watch him. He really was perfect. His body, the green eyes, the dark hair, and that grin. He knew that when Dean turned around with a wink and a grin that it was meant for him, the girls thought differently. Sam finally turned to Cas, "I'm guessing that you've never been in the ocean?" 

"I was there when it was created." Cas laughed.

"Okay, so let's not tell anybody that, but c'mon."

They walked down the beach until the waves were crashing against their thighs. Sam walked out further and dunked his body, pushing his long hair back when he finally came up. The girls noticed that. The girls noticed everything. Dean walked out until the water was chest high and let the waves roll over his shoulders and neck. Cas smiled at how happy he looked. They were all soaking wet from head to toe and Sam decided it was time to dry off for a minute and have a beer, Dean decided that it was time for the show. He looked around to make sure that the three of them were still the center of attention, and in the waist high water he pulled Cas to him and kissed him, a long, lingering, deep kiss. Sam had to turn his head to keep from laughing out loud at the reaction. His brother really was an asshole, but it was funny. He walked back to his chair while Dean and Cas continued to make out in the ocean. 

"Holy shit that was fun." Dean said, sinking down into his chair.

"Okay, even I'll admit that it was funny." Sam said. 

Cas was still just outright laughing when Dean reached over and grabbed his hand. 

They drank beer, ate horrible food from the food trucks in the parking lot, laid in the sun, and played in the water. When they started to lose light, Dean convinced Cas to crawl up on the outcrop of rock with him. They sat on a towel, Cas between Dean's legs leaning back against his chest, and just watched the waves as the sun started to set. It was mesmerizing and the single most perfect moment of Dean's life. "I love you, Cas." Dean whispered. Cas tilted his head back against Dean's shoulder and turned to look at him. "I love you too". Dean bent down to kiss him and it was most amazing kiss they had ever shared. Cas settled back against Dean's chest, feeling something he'd never felt before.

\-------------------------

After five days of food, beer, sun, sand, ocean water, and the best sex they had ever had, it was finally time to leave. Dean whined while they packed up the car. Sam just rolled his eyes at Cas and gave him the first time slot riding shotgun. Instead of stopping in Vegas on the way back, they drove straight through. They were exhausted by the time they had everything unloaded and dropped into a heap on the floor. Cas didn't know how Dean was able to drive for so long, it must be from years of experience. He was barely able to keep his eyes open and kissed Dean on the forehead mumbling goodnight to Sam as he walked down the hall and crawled into bed.

He felt the mattress next to him sink and rolled over towards Dean. Their time at the beach had been so beautiful, so perfect that he almost didn't know if it was real. "I love you, baby. I love you so much." Dean whispered when he pulled Cas into his arms. "I love you too, Dean." 

\-------------------------

Cas woke up still tired and alone in bed. He threw on some clothes and went in search of the Winchesters. He knew that eventually he'd find at least one, if not both. He found his favorite one in the kitchen. "Where's Sam?"

"He said something about his computer and printers and a bunch of other nerdy shit. What the real question is, why are we still dressed and in the kitchen. We may only get 15 minutes of hot water, but I really want to see you soapy and naked."

"And I'm the horny one..."

Dean had the hot water already on by the time Cas made it through the bathroom door. He stripped as quickly as he could and stepped in under the warm stream. Dean wrapped his arms around him from behind and started moving his soapy hands. Cas wanted to make a smart ass comment, but Dean knew where to touch him and his mind went blank. "We only have a few minutes" Dean whispered as he reached down and wrapped his hand around the base of Cas's hard cock. Cas melted back against him and cleared his mind of everything but Dean's slick hand and the warm water pelting his body. With a loud moan he finally had his release and felt Dean wrap his arms around him. "I love you Cas. I will always love you." \---------------------------------- 

"I say movie day" he said lazily in Dean's general direction.

"So pick one. I have to leave to grab some parts for the car when Sam gets back."

Cas was glad that Dean didn't ask him to go. Dean could spend hours in the auto parts store if you'd let him. Cas lost interest within the first five minutes. "I'll find something. Grab food while you're out."

"Wow...you aren't just a smart ass, you're kind of demanding after you get laid."

"Yeah, and that was just a hand job."

"Just a hand job?" Dean pushed Cas down on the bed and held him between his legs, grinning. "That's was a damn good hand job. Some of my finest work."

"I'm not going to argue that." Cas smiled.

Dean bent down for a kiss and then let him up. "I think I heard Sam. Pick a movie and relax. I'll call you when I'm done and we'll figure out what we want for dinner." He leaned in for a peck. "I love you."

"I love you too" Cas whispered. He got chills every time Dean said it and he didn't know if he'd ever get used to hearing it. He didn't know that he wanted to get used to it. 

Cas found something to watch and ended up drifting back to sleep. The last week had been exhausting. Perfect, but exhausting.

\-------------------------

Cas had woken up and again gone in search of somebody. He hated that sometimes he still felt afraid when he was alone. He heard the brothers talking and although he knew he shouldn't, he stood around the corner out of sight and listened.

"Sam, how long has it been since I've even been on a hunt?"

"I know Dean, but to stand here in front of me and say you're going to give it all up? What happens if you change your mind? What happens if that Dean Winchester killer instinct comes back? Then what are we supposed to do?"

"You know that a part of me loves hunting, I always have and maybe I always will. I can't live this life and that life. I have to choose. I have to make a decision and I have to do what's right by him. If that day comes, and I don't see that happening, but if it does then I will deal with it. Why are you fighting me on this? I thought that if anyone would support me it would be you. You hate hunting and you always have. You don't have it in you like I do. You know how to be something else."

"I'm not trying to fight you, I'm trying to be realistic. We just got back from your dream vacation and I need to know that you're thinking straight."

"Yeah...so do I." Cas whispered as he walked in the room.

"Cas..."

"I can't ask you to stop hunting, Dean. I can't ask you to fight who you really are."

Dean took a step toward Cas and wrapped his hands around his upper arms, "Baby, I know that. You wouldn't. This isn't about what you'd ask and what you wouldn't. This is about a decision I need to make."

Cas started to silently cry, "Just because I chose this life, I chose earth, does not mean that you have to choose me over the only life you've ever known. I'm sorry, but I was listening. What happens if the day comes that you want to go back? You will resent the hell out of me and then where will we be? You laid your head on my chest that day and told me that you weren't worth the decision I made to fall, to become human. I'm not worth a decision you make to try and be somebody that you're not."

"None of this is about me trying to be something I'm not, neither one of you seems to understand that. This is about me being who I want to be. Come here...follow me." Dean still had a hold on one of Cas's arms. "You too," he nodded at Sam. They went outside and he popped the trunk. "Remember the devils trap we painted right there? It's gone. Remember all of the little compartments we had to hold weapons? They're gone." he slammed the trunk and turned towards the woods, "Do you see that little path and clearing right there? I'm going to use Bobby's money and I'm going to widen that path, I'm going to build a garage back there in that clearing. I'm going to help Sam find an old piece of shit truck and I'm going to rebuild it. I'm going to paint it, any fucking color he wants. And then, I'm going to teach you how to properly drive and I'll rebuild whatever it is that you want. Bobby taught me how to fix cars, that's the legacy he left me." Dean had tears pouring down his face. He walked back into the bunker and they silently followed. "Are you part of the reason that I've decided to stop hunting? You're damn right you are. I love you, Cas, and I'm not going to be the guy who leaves his lover behind to wonder if he's ever coming home. And I can't put myself in a position where I may never see you again. I can't imagine waking up without you next to me. I can't promise you I won't feel the urge to hunt, hell, I already have. But it isn't fucking worth it to me, not anymore. You are the one who taught me that. You made me talk about my father and my mother and Bobby. You have turned me into a human being, Cas, not the other way around. I need to show you something." He led him down the hall to their bedroom and pulled out a box. He gestured to Cas to sit next to him and opened it, "These are my memories. Pictures of my mom, pictures of me and Sam, matchbooks, notes, the shell casing from when we killed that yellow eyed bastard, all sorts of shit. Everything in this box holds a piece of who I am, it all takes me back to a place and a time that was important and meant something to me. Now wait here." He shoved past Sam, who was standing in the doorway and down the hall. Sam and Cas just looked at each other, neither one knew what to say. Dean shoved past Sam again when he came back into the room. "I was going to wait because it's been almost a year since I found you outside, but here." He handed Cas a wooden box with his name inscribed on the top. He looked at Dean and carefully opened it. Other than a small bottle of sand, it was mostly full of envelopes. "Look at them, open them, they're all yours."

Cas pulled out the first envelope and found a matchbook from the hotel they stayed at when they went to the beach. The second envelope had a napkin from the bar in Vegas. The third envelope had a piece of paper that was burnt around the edges but said 'father' in enochian, he knew that was from Bobby's. The fourth envelope had pictures, a goofy selfie of him sleeping with Dean's head on his chest, one of them standing at Bobby's with Cas's arms around Dean, one in the water at the beach kissing, one of them sitting on the outcropping together with the date and words 'I Love You' stamped in the corner, Sam must have taken those. Cas opened the last envelope and out slid a pressed spring flower held between two thin pieces of glass. "Is this from..."

"The day we went to Lawrence? Yes...it is. I couldn't have laid those flowers at her grave if you hadn't have been with me. And that's the night that I knew. When keeping your trust was more important to me than having sex...I knew. You were it, Cas. These are your memories. These are the memories that I want you to have and we are going to keep filling that box until I have to buy you a new one. I was wrong when I said that I learned to never fall in love, I was so wrong. I love you, Cas. I love you in a way that I never knew existed."

"I love you too, Dean" Cas whispered as silent tears slid down his cheeks. He watched Sam leave and pull the door closed behind him before he felt those soft perfect lips press against the scar on his neck that brought them together.


End file.
